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At my brother's wedding on Saturday, I proposed the following toast:
Jared is my brother and my best friend.
— When we were in high school, Jared shot me in the hip with a .44 magnum.
— When I was about 13, Jared shot me in the eye with a paintball gun.
— When I was 3 years old, Jared hit me in the head with a baseball bat. I still have a scar. I immediately dropped to the ground. And Jared immediately realized that Mom had been watching, and that he was busted.
So Jared looked at Mom. And then he pointed at me, laying on the ground. And he said, "That was his fault."
— As you can probably guess, I have a lot to say about Jared.
— Growing up out in the country, there weren't many other kids around to play with, so Jared and I had to invent our own fun. We had squirt gun wars, and BB gun shooting contests, and full-contact wrestling matches on the trampoline.
— We played a million football games in the yard, Jared and I, and sometimes our cousin Cody. In fact, we still play football games in the yard. Every year at Thanksgiving, Jared and I team up against Catelyn and our cousin Kayla. So far, Jared and I are undefeated.
— We had sword fights with metal fenceposts. We could never figure out why Mom and Dad didn't want us to play that game.
— Once, we built a catapult together. He did most of it, but I like to take credit.
— Jared and I shared books, movies, video games, music. We played cards, and chess. We watched obscure TV shows deep into the night. We spent evenings fishing on the Arkansas River, just him and me, and early mornings hunting geese and pheasants. We played together on the same high school baseball and football teams.
— We've shared deep conversations about about politics, about God and religion, about history, about the meaning of life.
— We've talked with each other, often over a stiff drink, about the girl problems that both of us have had. Since Jared started dating Anjali, he has never come to me for advice about women. He has never called me to vent, or to blow off steam about her. Not once. So I could tell long ago that this was going to go well for him.
In fact, over the last few years, many of our relatives have asked me: Is Jared gonna marry that girl? Every time, I had the same answer: He better, because she is way nicer and way better looking than he is.
I'm a single man, so I can't stand here and tell you in my own words how great and wonderful marriage is. Because, in my own words, I wouldn't know. So I'll rely on one of my favorite philosophers, and I know he is one of Jared's favorite philosopher's also: John Wayne. He said:
"All the gold in the United States treasury, and all the harp music in heaven, can't equal what happens between a man and a woman, with all that growin' together. I can't explain it any better than that."
I am so happy that Jared found someone as perfect as Anjali is to share that with him. Anjali, you are a beautiful bride in all three of your costumes, and it is an honor to have you join our family.
And Jared, thank you for all of the things that you have done with me over the last 30 years. And thank you for all of the things that you have done to me. And thank you for letting me share this special day with you and Anjali our families.
Cheers.
— We've shared deep conversations about about politics, about God and religion, about history, about the meaning of life.
— We've talked with each other, often over a stiff drink, about the girl problems that both of us have had. Since Jared started dating Anjali, he has never come to me for advice about women. He has never called me to vent, or to blow off steam about her. Not once. So I could tell long ago that this was going to go well for him.
In fact, over the last few years, many of our relatives have asked me: Is Jared gonna marry that girl? Every time, I had the same answer: He better, because she is way nicer and way better looking than he is.
I'm a single man, so I can't stand here and tell you in my own words how great and wonderful marriage is. Because, in my own words, I wouldn't know. So I'll rely on one of my favorite philosophers, and I know he is one of Jared's favorite philosopher's also: John Wayne. He said:
"All the gold in the United States treasury, and all the harp music in heaven, can't equal what happens between a man and a woman, with all that growin' together. I can't explain it any better than that."
I am so happy that Jared found someone as perfect as Anjali is to share that with him. Anjali, you are a beautiful bride in all three of your costumes, and it is an honor to have you join our family.
And Jared, thank you for all of the things that you have done with me over the last 30 years. And thank you for all of the things that you have done to me. And thank you for letting me share this special day with you and Anjali our families.
Cheers.
